I admit; I feel silly. 

Just a few short weeks ago, if someone wearing a mask walked into a gas station, grocery store or mask shop, the police would be called. 

However, it’s amazing how a global pandemic can change the societal norms. 

Now everyone including the Centers for Disease Control, Gov. Gary Herbert and people on Facebook who sell masks are telling you to wear a mask while in public places. 

I started wearing a mask. I noticed I was literally the only person in the store who was wearing one the other day. 

I could feel other people judging me; so to save face I robbed the joint. 

Ha, ha, I didn’t do that … if you’re reading Mr. Policeman, that wasn’t me … I swear. 

The theory isn’t so much to protect one’s self from infection, but to protect others from infection one might be carrying. Essentially, it’s a sign of respect to those who you encounter at the store — it’s a way of saying, “I don’t know if I have this thing or not, but I’m doing my best not to give it to you.”

However, even when reading that 50 percent or more of coronavirus infections are asymptomatic, it doesn’t make me feel any less silly in the store.

Fortunately my wife was thoughtful enough to know that I would feel less foolish if my masks were made out of Batman and Superman themed fabric. 

“Wait, you’re how old?” you might say.

Look, the heart wants what it wants. Plus they didn’t have Star Wars, Transformers or My Little Pony patterns.

We’re also to avoid all face touching — not only of our own face, but other people’s as well. 

I never realized how many times during the day I stroke my chin, rub my nose or try to jab a coworker in the eye with my thumb. But that’s no longer safe or accepted. Also it stings a lot more now that I’m using hand sanitizer 112 times a day.

So, if I want to annoy my officemates, I have to do it from six feet away. 

Fortunately I was able to tape a pair of yardsticks together. The good news is while this isn’t as exact as a thumb to the eyeball; it’s just as irritating. 

“Ah! What’d you hit me with? A yardstick?”

“No! Two yardsticks.”

Which is probably why they’ve banished me to a little glass cube of an office. Supposedly it’s to follow “social distancing,” which I can see. Being isolated and alone like this really brings back my high school days when girls all seemed to practice social distancing. Depending on your feelings when it comes to the popularity of Pearl Jam, there wasn’t even a world wide pandemic back then. 

However, with the glass walls I feel a bit like Hannibal Lector in his cage as people walk by and stare at me. 

To save face, I threaten them and demand their wallets. Ha, ha, just kidding, I don’t do that hardly at all. 

Another piece of counsel that we’ve been given is to promptly dispose of any used tissues. 

Was this a real problem before? Were people blowing their noses and then packing around used Kleenex? Why would you do that? What possible use would a used tissue have? What’s wrong with you?

“Oh, that’s a good one, I need to show the kids when I get home.”

Gross. 

If you’re not throwing away your tissues, you’re sick in a way much more disturbing than coronavirus. Get help.

Now that you’ve been sufficiently shamed, it’s time to wrap this up. Besides, someone’s knocking at my door, so I have to go. Oh look, it’s the police.

I think they’re after my used Kleenex stash.

Follow David Anderson on 

Twitter at twitter.com/cruizerdave

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