We are in the holiday season.
You may have noticed the Christmas displays have been up at your favorite retail establishments for about eight weeks at this point.
For some reason, Halloween isn’t considered part of the holiday season. It’s like the other holidays got together and kicked Halloween out.
I don’t know why it gets such a bad rap; Halloween is the one day a year Christian children can take a healthy interest in things like Satanism, witchcraft and the rock band KISS without having their clergy worry about scheduling an exorcism.
Dress like the devil on Oct. 31, fine! Just don’t do it on Nov. 1, or people will assume you have a problem that requires a priest, mental health expert or John Wick.
Perhaps it’s a safety thing? Halloween feels dangerous with its embracing of the occult, late night candy begging and the zombie apocalypse.
Honestly, the other major holidays aren’t much safer than a zombie apocalypse. Fortunately, I have put together a survival guide for you.
• Thanksgiving — This is the holiday where we eat food we don’t really like with people we barely tolerate.
Think about it. If you actually liked turkey and stuffing, wouldn’t you eat it more than once a year?
Growing up there was one way to cook a turkey — stuffed in an oven and roast until dry. Nowadays we bake, pressure cook, smoke, deep fry and laser zap turkeys. Yet somehow, no matter how we cook turkey, it never tastes like rib eye steak.
Why else does the news cover it every year when the president pardons the White House turkey? It’s because there is a part of all of us that thinks, “what a lucky guy, he doesn’t have to have turkey tonight.”
Survival tip — Become president of the United States and you don’t have to worry about turkey dinner.
• Christmas — This is the one where you spend all the money. The financial stability of the nation is literally measured by how much we spend on Christmas.
I’m not a huge bible scholar, which explains how I missed the part where Jesus said, “If you love me, buy lots of disposable consumer goods.” I think it was in the gospel of Walmart, somewhere near the back …
So we buy all kinds of things. We buy our kids clothes, video games and college administrators, but it doesn’t stop there. We buy neighbor gifts, teacher gifts and parole officer gifts.
We even buy stuff for people we don’t know all that well and who don’t want it all that much.
Then we buy decorations that we don’t want to put up and that we have no place to store. We buy candy we don’t like, because you can’t have Christmas without that ribbon candy that tastes a bit like stale cigarette smoke.
By the end of it, your bank account looks like a zombie apocalypse.
Survival tip — Dig a bunker. Once your bunker is complete, put all of your money into it, lock it and don’t return. Merry Christmas.
• New Year’s — This is the one where we run an editorial reminding people to please don’t drink and drive on New Year’s Eve.
The reason we have to write this editorial is because you have to drink yourself stupid in order to enjoy anything when it’s 20 below, and there is at least three months before the daytime temperature rises above 32 degrees.
People aren’t drinking on New Year’s because they’re celebrating. They’re drinking to forget how cold it is, and possibly the mistakes they made last year.
Survival tip — Just put all your booze on the curb, lock the doors and wait until spring.
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