Welcome to the apocalypse. 

No, this isn’t as exciting of an end of the world as we would have wanted. Most people probably would have preferred an asteroid. Or maybe you’re more romantic, and wanted a nuclear war. 

Personally, I would have preferred an alien invasion complete with ray guns, 1950s style flying saucers and grotesque creatures with bulbous heads harvesting mankind to be used as fertilizer on their home planet. 

Nope, this time the end of days is just disappointing, because in my heart of hearts, it’s not the really end of the world. It’s just an indication of how reactionary and dumb society has become.

I really don’t know how easily contracted the novel coronavirus pandemic is, but the pandemonium it’s creating is the most infectious thing I’ve ever seen. 

A few hours after Gov. Herbert let the state know not to panic, but maybe avoid gathering groups of 100 people or more, people were panicking. 

By the time they dismissed school, I was worried about being able to buy milk, food or novelty socks. People haven’t been this competitive about buying stuff since the Cabbage Patch Kid rush of Christmas 1984.

Now so far as anyone has said, including scientists, this virus isn’t affecting the water supply, and as it turns out, here in south central Utah, our water is pretty decent for drinking. Yet, people are buying it up as though this commodity that falls from the sky would be irreplaceable. 

Let’s take the nightmare scenario of every municipal water crew being infected by coronavirus. The good news is the water systems are pretty reliable, and don’t usually need a lot of babysitting because these guys do a bang up job maintaining them. Also, even if all the crews were infected, only about 20 percent of them might have serious symptoms. 

The question has been asked,  “what if someone figures out how to contaminate the water with it?”

You know, if they are creative, smart and enterprising enough to pull off such a feat, I say let them have the win and drink the water. 

Also, just so people know — coronavirus is a respiratory illness, not diarrhea. If you need 700 rolls of toilet paper to survive a 14-day quarantine, you have bigger problems than coronavirus. 

According to the Centers for Disease Control, symptoms include feeling feverish, coughing and difficulty breathing. So basically if an average American were to run 100 yards at a moderate pace, they will feel the same as if they have been infected by the dreaded virus. 

People are really concerned about coronavirus — mostly because no one can shut up about how concerned we should be about it. They’ve even stopped calling it coronavirus, which sounds like something you downloaded on your computer while trying to get free beer. 

Instead they call it COVID-19, which sounds like the title of a terrible 1970s low budget sci-fi movie. You can almost imagine the trailer …

“In the summer of 1975 … terror beyond imagination” the narrator says.

There’s a group of diverse characters watching TV — a crying woman, a 20-something wearing a letterman jacket, a cowboy and a guy wearing a T-shirt and an apron holding a rifle. This is followed by scenes of crowds running through streets, stock footage of a tank, another stock shot of an aircraft carrier, then an Army man using a flamethrower and finally back to our heroes looking out a window.

The scene fades to black … and red block letters flash across the screen.

“COVID-19 in Technicolor! Only in cinemas.”

I wish this whole thing were only in cinemas. 

Follow David Anderson on 

Twitter at twitter.com/cruizerdave

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