So last week started out the same way as many late night B movies — with an accident unleashing a powerful force of nature.
It was a little traumatic for me.
You see I grew up watching movies about giant ants [“Them!”], lizards [“Godzilla”] and even hoards of man-eating worms [“Squirm”]. I spend hours watching terrible movies because when you’re young, you feel like you’re going to live forever so it’s OK to waste time filling your brain with nonsense. As you get older, you become more selective.
“I could watch a movie about mutant oysters leveling New Jersey, or I could take a nap.”
After three kids and about age 30, the nap wins.
In “Night of the Lepus,” giant mutated rabbits started devouring human flesh for some reason. I watched that movie when I was about seven years old, and I’ve never trusted bunnies since.
However, last week’s accident was more like 1978’s “The Swarm,” but instead of Michael Caine in his most forgettable role, it was the Utah Highway Patrol, the Sevier County Sheriff’s Office and the Richfield City Fire Department. While those guys are great, I still kind of missed Michael Caine. After all, he was in “The Dark Knight.”
Through the years I’ve watched the emergency management folks train for and deal with any number of non-Batman-related incidents. Diesel fuel is no problem for these guys. Cyanide, they got a plan for that. Nuclear waste, they can deal with it in their sleep.
Bees however … well, bees aren’t usually covered in your basic HAZMAT training course.
Bees are a phobia for some people, due to allergic reactions, fear of stings or just a hate of buzzing. I’m a fan of bees. They have cool racing strips, they make honey and are a key component in making sure plant life can continue on planet Earth. I’m also a fan of planet Earth, because that’s where I live.
However, I understand the phobia thing. Had that truck been carrying millions of black widow spiders, I wouldn’t have been anywhere within 50 miles of it. In fact, I may have built a rocket and left planet Earth if I had known there were millions of spiders running around. That’d make the lepus look tame by comparison.
Fortunately, as far as I know, there are not semis full of spiders. If there are, please do me a favor, and don’t tell me. Besides, there are plenty of other creepy crawlies to worry about.
It’s been a few years, so we’re probably due for another Mormon cricket invasion. Millions of those big, black bugs come hopping through the area every couple of years giving people the heebie-jeebies and raising some important questions. Who is baptizing all these bugs? Why do they all join the Mormons? Aren’t there any Baptist crickets?
Of course we may not live long enough to see another Mormon cricket invasion as the mosquitoes have an entire valley full of water in which to raise their broods.
Look, water is a good thing; you can’t wash cars, spray your driveway or make Mountain Dew without it. I’m sure it’s also useful for other things.
Mosquitoes love water. To mosquitoes, stagnating water is like turning down the lights, playing a Barry White album and knowing that the kids aren’t going to be home for the rest of the evening.
The result is lots and lots of mosquito larva. Just like human children, mosquitoes start out their life as slimy worm looking things, and eventually grow into disease carrying, blood sucking parasites — or as parents call them “teenagers.” Just like many humans, mosquitoes never grow past the parasitic phase.
So just be on the lookout for clouds of mosquitoes this summer. The best defense is the bathe in DEET.
Or just stay inside and watch some B movies. Some of them are about actual bees.
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