It’s that time of year.
They hatch from their slimy eggs, tucked away in pools of standing, feted water, start sprouting wings and swarming the country making everyone’s lives miserable.
No, I’m not talking about New England Patriot fans.
Every year mosquito abatement crews spend their nights spraying, trying to stop this onslaught of evil.
This must be a terrible job.
People running out into the road, constantly flagging abatement guys down, “I saw one over there, go get it!”
Don’t do that. It’s just bad form.
The stated purpose of this program is to stop the spread of diseases like West Nile, malaria and communism. However, we all know the real reason.
We just don’t want to be annoyed by the mosquitos. It’s summer, and we already have class reunions, family reunions and a whole bunch of other stuff where we have to be around annoying parasites. It’s an attempt to at least lower the number blood-suckers who irritate us, no offense intended to that uncle who’s a lawyer up north and insists on coming to every family event.
Back before they invented mosquito spraying, we just had to suffer as the little monsters attacked. Their bites left people feeling itchy and uncomfortable, like watching an R-rated movie with your mom.
Back in those days mosquitos would grow as big as Saint Bernards, which is why schools started the whole summer vacation thing. If a child was going to be carried off by a mosquito, it’s better that happen when in their parents’ care and not during recess.
Then someone decided to fight back. After all, we as humans have the power of science on our side. Surely a species that had mastered the internal combustion engine, trans-Atlantic flight and a whole bunch of other stuff the AOC says we should feel guilty for using to deal with annoying parasites — the ones that aren’t in congress anyway.
So the abatement effort started in 1966. It was slow at first as county budgets only allowed for one man to be paid for one night a year. He was armed only with a BB gun. He had to provide his own BBs. Once the concept caught on that the government could do something useful for once, people demanded more funding for mosquito abatement. Since that time, funding has nearly tripled, allowing for an abatement crew to use poison on the little buggers.
Honestly, I’m kind of surprised the mosquito spraying has been allowed to continue. I’m sure at some point the ASPCA, PETA or FEMA will crack down on our mosquito murdering ways.
Mosquitos will pay some lawyer, maybe your uncle, to be put on an endangered species list.
“There are only 62 million of this species of mosquitos in Sevier County,” says your uncle. “Oh wait, I meant to say there are only 62 million of these mosquitos at my family reunion. Clearly we need to take steps to protect them.”
Before long you’ll get fined for swatting them. People will be shaming you on Facebook for starving our winged brothers and sisters if you use mosquito repellant.
“The same blood that runs through our veins runs through theirs, you monster,” someone will post.
Yeah, because they stole it from ME!
After all repellant and insecticide is made illegal, people will have to resort to more natural means to repel mosquitos — you know garlic, holy water and crosses.
The abatement guys won’t have to worry though.
They’ll still have jobs, but instead of spraying, they’ll be tasked with tying tiny facemasks on the mosquitos to protect them from coronavirus.
Personally, I’m glad they are still allowed to spray for mosquitos. If only they had a spray for Patriots fans …
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