The annual community production of “The Nutcracker” is a beloved tradition. 

The ritual includes music, dancing and dads trying their best to feign interest in the Russian classic. 

There are highlights even the most SportsCenter-focused fathers can enjoy; like when the group with the smallest girls comes out. One is always crying, another is doing a hip-hop routine, several are standing with a look of horror on their face, while the few in the middle are trying their best to do the dance. It’s wonderful and heartwarming to think, “oh, that was my daughter just a few short years ago … glad I’m not the only one!”

 “The Nutcracker” ballet is pretty set in its storyline, which was written in 1816. The ballet came later, in 1892, with a more streamlined plot. 

After all this time, I really think it could benefit from a few tweaks to make it more exciting for modern dads who are just counting down the hours before they can see the latest Star Wars film.

First off, I’d let the mice win.

“The Nutcracker” is the story of a girl and her new favorite toy having an adventure that starts by battling a group of mice. The Nutcracker slays the Mice King, then there’s a lot of dancing. 

Perhaps this political assassination may have been unjustified from the perspective of the mice?  

Seems to me like one could interpret this sequence of events as the Nutcracker and his accomplice invading the mice’s world. For all we know the mice were just defending their sovereign territory from a foreign invader in a military uniform. Then he kills their king. What a jerk. Where’s the United Nations when you need them?

In the rewrite, we’ll clarify who the good guys and bad guys are. Also, we’ll pump some action into the plot. 

We’ll start with a few minor modifications to the storyline of “The Nutcracker.” First, the mice will kidnap Clara, who we’ll rename “Emily Ratajkowski” — again to help make it more interesting for the fathers in the audience. 

The mice will be preparing to sacrifice Emily Ratajkowski to the demon rat deity, who we will call “Tom Brady.”

Anyway, during the battle with Tom Brady and his minions, the Nutcracker, who we’ll rename Steve Rogers — AKA Captain America — will get in trouble. Instead of Emily Ratajkowski helping Captain America by throwing a shoe, our version will be more woke when it comes to girl power. In this alternate reality, Emily Ratajkowski will be the one who slays the villain … by pushing him into a wood chipper. 

However, the victory is short lived as the two heroes are still hopelessly outnumbered and have to escape. 

Instead of going to the Land of Sweets, where much of the dancing occurs in the original, we’ll have them go somewhere far more exotic … like Okinawa. Instead of Sugar Plum fairies expressing their part of the story through dance, our heroes will encounter warring ninja clans. 

This is where the choreography might have to change a little … instead of ballet, the moves will focus more on Kung Fu. The tempo of the music might have to pick up in a spot or two, but I’m sure the original Tchaikovsky score will fit the new plotline just fine. 

Anyway, after helping the good ninjas defeat the bad ninjas, Captain America and Emily Ratajkowski will return to their homeland and reclaim it from Tom Brady’s followers.

That last sentence may be something no one has ever written about this ballet in its entire 127-year history. Either I’m as revolutionary as a Bolshevik, or I just ruined The Nutcracker. 

Whichever it is, you’re welcome. 

Merry Christmas.

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