There’s something about a new year that makes people want to start over with a clean slate.
It’s a perfect time to stop smoking, lose weight, set a goal for work or … ugh. That all sounds so exhausting. Can’t we just agree that last year we were pretty average and this year we can achieve at least the same level of mediocrity, even as the ravages of time, age and decay take their toll on us?
It’s also a good time to look back on the past and see what we could have done better. Make amends for the things we’ve done wrong.
So here is my annual list of apologies for things I’ve written or said in and out of this column.
• Pants shopping — I was highly critical of the concept of pants shopping earlier this year. In fact, if pants shopping were a person, she would be very upset with me. However, since pants shopping is not a person, I guess I’m not sorry at all and as an added bonus, I’m not even going to shop for pants this year.
• Kansas — I made a comment inferring that the worst thing you could do to promote tourism in Kansas would be to use video footage of Kansas in it. That was mean and I apologize. So in the spirit of reconciliation, here is a new slogan to promote The Sunflower State — “Kansas, a little better than Nebraska.”
• Fans of the Super Bowl’s commercials — I said it was stupid to be a fan of a commercial. Then I saw the guy rapping about Doritos and I realized I had been too judgmental. Hock Doritos any way you want.
• Nickleback — I compared Nickleback to garbage. That was wrong. Nickleback is fine. It’s just the band’s music that is garbage.
• Celery juice — I made some disparaging remarks about celery juice that if I were better person, I’d feel bad about. However, since drinking celery juice is a great way to detoxify and become a better person, perhaps I should try some. Or I’ll just live with my toxic comments about celery juice. Probably the second one.
• Cows — At one point this year I described cows as a commodity. This was rather insensitive to them. For all we know, cows have hopes and dreams just like you and me. But what they don’t have is opposable thumbs. If they had, I’m sure they would have invented the automobile or something. But they don’t, so we invented the hamburger instead.
• Politics — I’m sure it’s become abundantly clear through the past year that I’m over national politics. Half of the country seems to believe that Donald Trump is actually Lex Luthor with a hairpiece and no Superman to stop him. The other half tells scary stories about Democrats like Jerry Nader sneaking into homes late at night and snatching children right out of their beds so they can eat them. At this point is there anyone left in Washington whose media image doesn’t immediately bring up a cartoon or a folk tale? So I’m sorry politics. I’m sorry you’re so screwed up.
• Men — I shouldn’t be so quick to assume that all men are inept when it comes to the basics of fashion and dressing themselves. Sorry guys.
• Women — They know that all men are pretty much inept when it comes to the basics of fashion and dressing themselves, and were probably offended by my saying they are not in the previous paragraph. So, sorry ladies.
• Larry — The name I gave the guy in our sexual harassment training video. I shouldn’t be so critical of this schmuck.
After all, if it weren’t for guys like him showing us what not to do, how would we learn about important topics like sexual harassment, cultural sensitivity and correct techniques for apologizing?
Follow David Anderson on
Twitter at twitter.com/