It’s a dangerous time to be a man.
You see, it’s Christmas, and men are looking for that perfect gift … for themselves. But also, many men are trying to atone for buying their wives things like oil changes last Christmas.
There are hundreds of corporations begging for your money with the promise of realizing your life partner’s dreams with a completely reasonable purchase, like a Lexus, a diamond necklace the size of a soccer ball or even a television with colors so vibrant, you have to wear sunglasses just to watch it.
Don’t be fooled gentlemen. These companies do not have your best interest in mind. Chief among them are the Peloton people. The commercial for their product stars a young, athletic mother. When she is given a Peloton stationary bike, she is shell-shocked by how much she loves it.
This commercial is a trap. If you show up to Christmas morning with a $2,500 stationary bike, it may be the end of all Yuletide joy, and possibly your life.
You might just as well say, “Hon, your butt’s too big, maybe you can do something about it with this.”
It’s like the poor fool who thought he was doing a good thing when he bought his wife a vacuum.
“Look, it has all the attachments and everything,” he says. But all she hears is, “Hon, the house is dirty, maybe with this you can do something about it.”
Even the makers of this commercial doubt its message as they implanted a not so subtle hint as to why an exercise bike is a bad gift.
The woman in the commercial is an idiot. In typical millennial fashion she makes videos of herself using the bike. Because that’s what real people do. Of things I want video of myself doing, exercise bike ranks right up there with zit-popping, colonoscopy and using the bathroom.
To top it off, during the video of her first ride, she’s wide-eyed as she speaks to the camera, “I’m a little nervous, but excited.”
Nervous? It’s a stationary bike, not a space shuttle. What is this moron nervous about? Here’s a hard truth about exercise bikes — even people who can’t ride bikes can use them.
At one point she’s filming herself after a workout session saying, “Totally worth it!”
Oh shut up. No one in the history of exercise bikes has ever said, “Totally worth it.” That reaction is saved for people who study hard and pass the bar exam, run a marathon or — I don’t know — ride a real bike 200 miles.
Riding in a corner of the living room while watching a screen doesn’t give one the moral standing to say something like, “Totally worth it.”
At the end, this easily pleased fool is watching her video journal with her hubby — “I didn’t know how much this would change me,” she says, while looking exactly the same as she did at the beginning of the commercial.
In the background some sappy song is playing, trying to manipulate us into thinking, “oh good for her, she lost two pounds in a year.”
It’s not just the implied insult this gift represented, it’s that it costs $2,500. You could buy a gym membership for this lady and two of her friends for year for that. Then not only would she have access to exercise bikes, but she’d have a reason to leave the house, get away from her kids and have friends to hang out with.
It’s like this husband is being overly controlling. He wants her to stay fit, but he doesn’t want her socializing with others.
“Here’s your bike, Toots, now go pedal in the corner and then make me a sandwich.”
Honestly, it’s the type of gift that makes an oil change look good by comparison.
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