This week we produced our third annual emergency preparedness guide, and it got me thinking about how prepared I am for an emergency.

One’s preparedness should be on approximately the same level as the threat they face. 

For example, say you live in a town like Richfield where the average number of armed robberies in a year hovers at right around zero. Perhaps you don’t need a concealed weapons permit, a pistol, a rifle and a rocket launcher with you at all times in order to feel safe here. The risk level is fairly low for that type of thing.

So I’ve been assessing my preparedness for different types of scenarios based on the risk level, what I can do to prepare and where I’m at on a scale of 1 to 10. Because if there’s anything better than actually preparing for a disaster, it’s making disaster lists.

• Earthquake. We live in the shadow of a nice big fault line that could explode at any minute. The quake will likely level every building in Sevier County, and break every water line in a 100-mile radius. This means we’ll need water [I have at least five gallons tucked away in my pantry], food [no less than six cans of pork and beans that may have expired last year] and a heat source [all those dead limbs in my backyard]. Preparedness level: 4.

• Chemical spill. I know a lot of cops, and they all say the same thing — “It would keep you up all night if you knew what goes through our county on Interstate 70.” In addition to all the semis packed with methamphetamines, human trafficking and Twinkies, there are also dangerous chemicals. It’s only a matter of time before a tanker full of cyanide, mustard gas or Twinkie filling crashes and bursts, polluting our valley. You will need materials to seal your home [I have plenty of gift wrapping tape], gas masks [I’m guessing Guns N’ Rose T-shirt tied around my face will work just as well] and a decontamination station [three garden hoses and a half full bottle of dish soap]. Preparedness level: 6.5.

• Invading army. I’m not sure who’s going to invade, possibly Sanpete County. It just depends on whether or not diplomatic relations break down. In the event that the Gunnison Garrison does invade, we’ll need to have firearms [I’m sure a pair of .22 rifles from 1963 will suffice], material to build fortifications [glad I saved all those Amazon boxes] and a some type of attack dog [lucky for me Chihuahua is the most vicious dog breed]. Also, who are we kidding, with as many armed people as there are in Wolf territory, no one is getting past Salina. Preparedness level: 5.

• Gremlin attack. In today’s world, people are too distracted by their smart phones to pay attention to the rules of the Mogwai. All it takes is a little spilled water and an after-midnight feeding, and soon the whole town will be overrun with vicious little monsters. Considering our feral cat population, it won’t be that much of a change. To fight gremlins, you need arrows, lighter fluid and sunlight — just like feral cats. Preparedness level: 10. 

• The “Saved by the Bell” re-launch. This is happening, and there is nothing you or I can do to stop it. There is no way to protect us from the further adventures of Bayside High School’s popular crowd. What are Zack, Kelly, Slater and the rest of the gang up to in their 40s? Bet you don’t care, but you’re going to find out anyway. Societies’ collective sense of morbid curiosity will compel us to watch to see how badly our teen idols have decomposed with the ravages of time. There is nowhere to run or hide. We are all doomed. Preparedness level: -30.

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