Graduates today are going to have a tough time of it, and not exclusively because they have no idea who Johnny Carson is.
They have some hard choices to make in a post COVID-19 world. Go to college? Look for a job? Change their Instagram profile pictures?
All of these are important decisions our graduates have to make.
One young lady who graduated this year was overheard saying she had to decide between pursing a degree and a career or being a trophy wife.
Her use of the term “trophy wife” likely sets back feminism a couple of decades, but it does have another drawback. You don’t want to be a trophy wife and then one day down the road look in the mirror and realize the trophy says, “third place.”
But I can’t blame her. She’s looking for career options in an economy devastated by a pandemic. The class of 2020 is worried about its collective future, which if it remains like the present means playing a lot of “Call of Duty.”
There is hope. While some industries are being shuttered for not being as essential as edible marijuana gummies, others are expanding.
Here is a list of positions being created for the class of 2020 to pursue —
• Toilet paper czar — With the unreasonable amount of hoarding we’ve seen, it’s only a matter of time before the government steps in to fix the nation’s toilet paper system. There will be senate hearings, press conferences and some guys are going to be forced to resign in disgrace due to crimes he committed while managing the supply chain of personal sanitation.
“I said it was two-ply, but it was single ply, I apologize to the American people for the shame I’ve caused the toiletry industry,” some guy will say as the press shouts questions.
The graduates of today could replace those disgraced executives and be the toilet paper moguls of tomorrow. Aim high kids. Aim high.
• Vaccine tester — Look, the only way we’ll get past this situation is with a vaccine. So they need humans to try it on, and guess what, you’re a human! But you have to act fast. The way vaccine-testing works is that it starts out with you being paid to take a dose when it’s experimental. As the vaccine becomes less and less experimental, the payment for taking it decreases to the point that when they’re sure it works, you’re paying them for it. So it’s best to get on that bandwagon now.
• Vaccine conspiracy coordinator — The anti-vaccine people are going to need help keeping their story straight if a vaccine is created. What will they use to stop people from getting a potentially lifesaving vaccine? Outdated information? A long ago debunked study from a crackpot? Nonsense someone’s aunt posted on Facebook about Bill Gates putting microchips in it? Someone is going to have to keep the story straight and on message. Why not you?
• Social distance shamer — Every time I forget to wear a mask, not cover my mouth while sneezing over produce or stand uncomfortably close to strangers, I feel a little guilty. What if I’m spreading the virus? What if someone is spreading it to me? There are already many social media warriors out there actively shaming people for driving cars, going to work or visiting family. Surely no one would be this haughty and awful to others if this were not a paid position.
• Political advisor — This isn’t a new position, but by the time this whole crisis subsides there are going to be a lot empty positions in the field that need to be filled.
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