This column will hit your hands on the scariest day of the year … with the noted exceptions of tax day, Election Day and Monday.
Other than that, Halloween is the most frightening day of the year.
Mostly because the terrifying ghouls you encounter in the weeks leading up to Halloween — the fun killers [cue dun, dun da music].
Fun killers want you to be scared about razor-bladed caramel apples, cyanide slipped into Tootsie Pops and homemade treats with gluten.
Halloween has changed a lot from when I was a kid and my parents’ main concern was we bring the cats in because there was a vague notion that actual satanic cults might have been snatching pets. Of course that turned out to be a bunch of hooey.
However, each year my desk is flooded with informational releases from well-meaning organizations that want to keep your children safe by killing all fun.
One of my goals in life was to grow to a height of 6’5” so that I could dress in a replica suit of Darth Vader.
I never reached that goal, and actually seem to be losing ground on it at this point. That’s a good thing, because according to the Halloween fun killing brigade, uh, I mean, people who want to keep your children safe, you should never wear dark colors on Halloween.
If you do happen to dress up as Darth Vader, Batman, Kim Karsdashian or anyone else who favors black leather in their wardrobe, you’re supposed to put reflective tape all over it so cars can see you.
I don’t know why adding a lack of screen accuracy matters anyway, because we’re told to make sure all trick-or-treating is complete by 5 p.m.
We’re often told if a child is out one minute after dark, he or she will be run over by a Mac truck, kidnapped by a Jason Voorhees or something worse, like being forced to eat at Applebees.
Part of the fun of Halloween is staying out late, hitting every house that has a lighted pumpkin until your body is so tired; you’re jawing down Laffy Taffies just to stay alive.
You can’t do that anymore anyway, because you’re only supposed to trick-or-treat at houses you know well. We’re not talking neighbors here. You’re only supposed to trick-or-treat at homes of people like your parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Also, not all uncles’ homes should be trick-or-treated at.
On the bad side, this means your treat haul is limited to about four ounces, but on the good side in today’s world you’re supposed to pass out healthier snacks that don’t have sugar, tree nuts or cholesterol in them. Enjoy your celery sticks, kids!
Of course instead of trick-or-treating at all, the fun killers are pushing on us the concept of the trunk-or-treat. Now, we spend however many hours each year telling children not to do things like accept candy out of the trunk of some guy’s car, but for some reason when the trucks are all parked around in a circle, it’s now okay.
Next, parents are advised not to let their children wear masks that could obstruct their vision, which basically means every mask ever made. Instead we’re told to use the cheap makeup kits that itch long after they’ve faded into indistinct blob shapes on the child’s face.
“If you want to dress up like Spider-Man, painting a crooked web design your face is just as good a cool mask,” said no one ever.
One of these days our youth are going to look at their Halloweens free of sugar, dye, masks, darkness and fun and decide we were full of hooey.
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