“We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!“ - Thus ends the most inspirational Fourth of July speech ever given.
This speech was offered by President Thomas J. Whitmore, who according to Wikipedia is a fictional character from the film “Independence Day” played by Bill Pullman. That’s kind of disappointing.
Soon we’ll be celebrating the birth of our country, which was delivered via C-section July 4, 1776.
Our forbearers had the unique foresight to craft a constitutional republic built on foundational liberties, such as the freedom of speech, religion and Netflix queue selection.
Would men like Washington, Adams, Jefferson and Whitmore be proud to look upon their legacy and see how modern Americans use their rights? You know, to call each other names on Twitter, park Camaros on front lawns and allow the Food Network to be a thing.
The founding fathers risked death as they committed treason against the British Empire by declaring independence. It didn’t stop there, as they had to strum up support for a volunteer army, fight a bloody revolution and hardest of all — be friends with France.
Through the years, thousands have died to preserve the United States and her interests.
To honor that sacrifice, people gather on the Fourth of July and drink beer until they are convinced that they can launch bottle rockets out of their ear holes.
From an early age we’re taught that we can literally do anything we want in this country as long as we don’t infringe on other’s rights.
So what do we do?
Looking at the nation’s headlines this past week, Americans have used their freedoms for the following purposes —
• To start fights at a baseball game for children. Adult men and women came to blows over a 13-year-old umpire’s balls and strikes calls. I guess that’s what Benjamin Franklin meant when he wrote, “A sucker punch to the back of the head at a little league game is a penny earned.”
• Having a long and vicious debate over whether Tim Allen’s ignorance of a card game makes him a racist or not. It seems like knowledge of Spades is an odd place to make such a serious claim as racism, but that’s where we are.
• Keeping tabs on every member of the Kardashian family. We all must know exactly what they are doing at all times. Kourtney and Scott are apparently taking a vacation … from what? I don’t know, as neither of them appear to be employed. However, now that you know they are on vacation, doesn’t that enrich your life?
• Criticizing President Donald Trump for threatening a military strike against Iran for shooting down an unmanned drone because of the sanctity of human life. Then we criticized him for not carrying out the aforementioned strike, because who cares?
In other news, U.S. Senators were briefed about phenomenon being experienced by naval pilots.
The pilots have reported seeing unidentified flying objects.
These UFOs might just be the answer to all our problems.
Perhaps we need a space alien invasion to set things right. If a race of diabolical lizards from Alpha Centauri were to take away all our electronic devices and make us mine for spaceship fuel, we might actually appreciate the freedoms we have.
I’m not saying forever, but a few years of hard labor without cable news, Snapchat and Fast and the Furious movies might give all of us some perspective and make us appreciate the things we have.
Mostly I just want the space aliens to take over so we can get a great speech before we kick them out.
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