There are certain things that are seasonal. 

Take for instance hamburgers. If you want a delicious hamburger with no waiting, then Jan. 2, is the day to get it. Everyone seems to be working on their New Year’s resolutions by eating fewer hamburgers, meaning your favorite drive-in is empty. 

Conversely, if you go to the gym on Jan. 2, you’re going to have to wait in line just to use the dumbbells. 

Each year as the calendar changes over we decide this is the year! The year I’m going to be a better person! I’m going to lose weight, save money or finally record my demo album!  

Actually, no I’m not. In fact, it would be realistic to say I’ll probably be just as awful a of person in 2019 as I was in 2018 — maybe even more so. 

I’d love to rattle off a list of things I’m going to improve on in 2019, but instead I’m going to list off some resolutions I have no intention of doing.

• Exercise more, eat less — If there is one thing we all need more of it’s exercise. Also if there is one thing we all need less of, it’s Oreos. However, exercise tastes like sweat, while Oreos taste like delicious cookies. If we were meant to exercise, it’d taste more like Oreos. 

• Read more important books — Every year around this time supposed experts publish their “10 books you should read before you die” lists. So while I should be reading “The Art of War” by Sun Tzu, it’s more likely I’ll read collected editions of “The Amazing Spider-Man” by Stan Lee. However, even more likely is the probability that I’ll just watch YouTube videos of idiots talking about “The Amazing Spider-Man.”

• Quit smoking — I’d have to start first. I’ve considered it so I could quit and then add that to my list of accomplishments. However, cigarettes are expensive, so I guess my list of life’s accomplishments will have to consists entirely of eating a foot-long meatball sub in under five minutes, once washing the dishes and receiving a number of “also participated” trophies.

• Get organized — I’m going to level with you. I spent two hours clearing papers off of my desk just so that I could find my computer. Now that I’ve thrown all that stuff away, and I look around at my workspace I realize I’m going to need a full week, an outside consultant and a blowtorch to make this place look presentable. I really can’t afford a consultant.

• Manage stress better — If there’s a better way to manage stress than to have a complete meltdown that includes screaming, throwing glass bottles and finally curling up in the fetal position and sobbing for two hours, I haven’t found it. I don’t suspect that I will in 2019. 

• Stop procrastinating — This is one I really intended to work on, but I just kept putting it off through all of 2018. So instead of making an effort, this year I’m going to go ahead say, “I’ll stop procrastinating next year.” Yeah, 2020, that’s the ticket … or maybe 2021. 

• Drink less soda — Soda is bad for you. It’s full of chemicals, refined white sugar and corn syrup. It’s terrible for your stomach. Eliminating soda could potentially save me hundreds of dollars each year, help me lose weight and prevent costly visits to the dentist. On the other hand, a daily soda is a delicious chance to leave the office and prevents me from physically assaulting coworkers. So you tell me, should I give up something I love and start strangling people? I didn’t think so.

Plus soda always goes good with hamburgers.

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