This week’s issue of The Richfield Reaper features our Best of the Best magazine. Each spring we host a survey asking people to submit their choices for everything from best furniture store to fries. The goal is to generate excitement, debate and possibly riots.

“You don’t think Business X is the best at doing its business thing? What’s wrong with you?”

However, due to space, time and safety restraints, we just couldn’t fit every category in the magazine, such as the following — 

• Best shot — First off, in Sevier County, everyone thinks they’re the best shot. If you go to Wayne or Piute counties, anyone there will tell you they’re better at shooting than anyone in Sevier County. Pretty soon people are being called out on Facebook and before you know it we’ll have armies of people headed to the range, by which I mean someone’s backyard, to show just who is the best shot. 

So in an effort to prevent an all out shooting war, we elected to not include this category.

• Best driver — Of course everyone in Utah thinks they’re the best driver. This is a belief born of charming naivety and shocking ignorance. They get credit for occasionally looking up from their cellphones long enough to actually not run red lights. Once in a while they’ll set their burrito down long enough to speed ahead of you, cut you off and then slam on the brakes for no reason at all other than to give you a whiff of their breakfast. I saw a truck just yesterday merge into the right-hand lane, and then turn right all while having its left-hand turn signal on. To be fair, it was an older Chevy, and that turn signal had been on since spring of 1982. And yes, even this person would vote for himself as best driver.

• Best vacationers — Instead of everyone voting for themselves, this one will be filled with votes for “some family on Facebook.”  Yes, according to social media everyone except you and me are going on fabulous vacations all the time. Me, I’m stuck here cranking out this nonsense column week after week. You, well, I don’t know what you’re doing instead of going to places mentioned in lesser Beach Boys songs. It’d be kind of creepy if I did. 

• Best dog — This was not included because it’s pointless. Everyone thinks their dog is the best. My dog doesn’t come when he’s called, doesn’t like to be touched, sleeps 23 hours a day, wakes me up in the middle of the night, smells bad and once tried to bite a baby. OK, that’s a lie. He’s tried to bite multiple babies. Even knowing all these things, I’d still vote for him as best dog.

• Best cat — We just didn’t know how to title this one. Was it “best disciple of Satan,” “best vermin eater” or “best animal we should make fur coats out of, but don’t.” All of this is coming from an admitted cat lover.

• Best movie — We would have loved to have included this, but due to the fact that any answer other than “Raiders of the Lost Ark” is automatically disqualified. Sorry, we don’t make the rules, we just follow them. Well, actually we do make the rules for this, but still your answer is wrong. Unless it’s “Raiders” … or possibly “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.”       

• Best science experiment —The time machine the neighborhood Raiders fan is trying to perfect so he can travel to when they didn’t suck, the kid down the street who’s trying to breed lizards with dogs in an attempt to make dinosaurs or the potato salad that’s been in the office fridge since March … of 2009. How can you pick just one?

• Best colonoscopy office — We didn’t include this because it’s icky. Why would you even ask? What’s wrong with you?

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