There have been a lot of tears shed about the current state of the world with a global pandemic, civil unrest and the new Wonder Woman movie’s release date being pushed back to, “we don’t know when.”
People are sad, angry, fearful and looking for answers.
There are plenty of Facebook warriors happy to provide answers, but can you really trust people who don’t understand the correct use of the word “there” to give you medical, philosophical and geo-political advice?
As humans we just want simple, concise answers. So of course we propagate complex conspiracy theories that voluntarily wearing a mask is somehow going to lead to the institution of Sharia Law in the United States.
Human beings are also stupid, and thanks to social media, we become stupider all the time. We can’t have meaningful debates because we can’t even agree on what the facts are, much less how to interpret them.
This sounds like I’m being cynical, but I’m really not.
Calling humans stupid is actually quite complimentary if you are judging them by what they post on Facebook, watch on YouTube and delete from their browser history.
But as bad as it is, here are eight ways it could get even worse —
• A huge meteor could be spotted in the sky, hurdling toward the Earth. Instead of hitting the Earth and giving us all sweet release, it hits the moon. Not only are we facing all the same problems, but also now there’s no moon — great, just great.
• With the lack of people on beaches, sharks will evolve lungs and feet. Then they will go on feeding frenzies in all coastal cities.
• Fleeing the riots, high crime rates and now land-shark attacks of the coastal cities, Democrats will attempt to move to Piute County. They’ll be disappointed to find a wall has been erected near Butch Cassidy’s boyhood home to keep them out.
• Fearing music is a vector for transmitting coronavirus, all music will be made illegal with the exception of Nickelback.
• After months of debate, schools will reopen, but only ones that embrace a new curriculum which modifies the basics of what children are taught. The common core will be gone. Instead, the science disciplines of biology, physics and chemistry will be replaced with tarot card reading, astrology and alchemy. Math will be replaced with an hour of expressing one’s feelings in poem. History will be replaced with interpretive dance. English will be replaced with emoji use instruction. Gym will be the same, but students will no longer be required to shower.
• Tired of their owners using COVID-19 as an excuse for not taking them for “walkies,” dogs will stage an armed revolution against humans turning man’s best friend into his worst enemy. Cats will sit in their regular spots, smugly thinking, “Yes, the plan is working.”
• The fifth Indiana Jones movie will finally go into production without Steven Spielberg directing, George Lucas providing the story or John Williams writing the music. It will feature the adventures of 95-year-old Indy played by a 105-year-old Harrison Ford as he tries to escape from the nurses at his assisted living facility. Critics and audiences will hail the movie as “the worst one yet.” It will make $24 trillion. Six more sequels will be announced as part of the Old Man Indy cinematic universe.
• NASA scientists will announce they’ve made first contact and have received a message from alien life form. The message will say, “Please stop calling us. We don’t want to talk to you. You’re diseased, you fight over stupid things and we can hear Nickelback coming from your planet. Also, duck, there’s a meteor headed your way.”
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