“Oh no, David has been watching Star Trek again.”
“How can you tell? Is he screaming ‘KHAAAAN!’ into space?”
“No, but wait until you read his column this week.”
Yeah, it’s going to be one of those weeks where I start out by explaining some aspect of “Star Trek” so people who don’t watch it, don’t care to watch it and don’t ever want to watch it — including my wife, children and Chihuahua — can understand what I’m talking about.
So let’s get started so you can go back to something that you might actually be interested in, like football, snacks or anything not Star Trek.
One of the villains in Star Trek is called “The Borg,” which is a group of people who have computers installed in their brains and lose their individuality.
They were always threatening to assimilate the Enterprise and saying “resistance is futile.”
The Borg was an army of pasty-faced drones shuffling around aimlessly like zombies … just like Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.
“There’s not zombies at Walmart,” you might say, but chances are, you’re one of them.
In the real world zombies don’t have computers grafted onto their brains, instead they hold them in their hands. They don’t wear black armor and laser guns. Instead these zombies all lose their individuality by constantly checking Facebook, updating Snapchat stories and spending way too much money on data plans.
They’re not assimilated by a science fiction army, but by a constant feed of information and misinformation constantly affirming their political views. I see them all the time with their nose in their phones, constantly connected through the steady stream of Instagram, Youtube and Tinder.
People are so obsessed with their phones; they don’t put them down to walk, drive or shower. Back in the good old days, when someone was driving like an idiot, it was because they were either under the influence, or they were in fact an idiot.
Now it seems that nine times out of 10 when I have a close call with someone on the road, they have their phone in their face, or lap, so they can text, video chat or send risqué pictures of themselves driving to potential suitors.
I mean, how many pictures of yourself do you really need?
People get a notification and immediately check it, whether they’re driving, in the movie theater or vandalizing their favorite playground.
“Oh, I got to check this right now,” says Sally Terribledriver as she navigates her Escalade through traffic. Rather than wait until she reaches her destination to see who liked her post about lemon meringue, or texted gossip about the neighbor’s dog, or shared yet another selfie, Sally endangers everyone on the road, forcing Prius drivers to dodge her or die.
It’s time for some hard truth.
Sally is not important enough for this. Nor are you. No matter what is texted to you, no matter how many likes your Facebook gets or how many people agree with your stance on Keto dieting, it’s not worth checking immediately.
Unless you happen to be the one person with the nuclear launch codes who can prevent World War III, chances are that notification on your phone can probably wait until you’re off the road, out of Walmart or at least not in my face.
Yet people are so connected to their devices, they can’t help it. Their communication with others is limited to what they hear on Bluetooth headphones, touchscreens and texts.
They’ve been assimilated. Resistance is futile.
It’s scary to watch our entire society being turned into robotic drones.
Or maybe I just need to watch less Star Trek.