Last week the Pentagon released declassified footage of UFOs.
No wait! Come back! I’m dead serious.
Three videos captured by Navy pilots shows … an aircraft? Spec of dust? Lens smudge?
Anyway, whatever it was, it was flying so fast it made the Navy aviators exclaim with amazement.
So UFO footage — confirmed and released — and yet no one seems to care. The Navy described the footage as “not out of the ordinary.”
Nope, we’re all still obsessed with that other topic that’s dominating the news. You know the one I mean — millennials and their inability to use a clutch.
I usually don’t buy into stereotypes, but I did watch a kid try to move my car the other day and he stalled it like four times. He didn’t realize it has a parking brake.
Anyway, the declassified footage shows disk shaped objects flying around and at one point even rotating while flying — another thing millennials can’t do.
There are several explanations for this that don’t involve aliens. The first is that the Navy jet was flying around the object at high rate of speed, which made it look faster than it was.
Another idea is the objects were just hallucinations caught on film, like the movie “Cats.”
Or it’s aliens.
Why are the aliens here? It seems to be a tremendous waste of fuel, even at $1.32 a gallon, to fly all the way to Earth and not buy any souvenirs.
They’re probably tracking our progress as a species so they can decide when to make formal first contact. Or they’re waiting for the human race to reach optimal eating weight.
“The Americans are too fat, perhaps if we grind them up with some more lean humans, like from Ecuador, we’d have some good burgers,” G’nort says.
Honestly, if the aliens wanted to eat us, they probably would have done so by now. They’re probably just concerned a species with our destructive capability might develop interstellar flight.
“Can they break the light speed barrier yet,” G’nort says.
“Nope, they’re still watching ‘Tiger King,’” says Klaatu.
The last thing they want is a race that still thinks NASCAR is a good idea showing up in their neighborhood and randomly dropping empty beer bottles, Snickers wrappers and nuclear warheads all over the place.
These videos have fueled much speculation amongst conspiracy theorists. People in the blogosphere are blaming aliens for everything from coronavirus to their failed marriages.
Maybe that’s the alien’s plan? Aliens unleash a plague that keeps us in our houses which allows them to set up death rays in all our sports stadiums.
It sounds more reasonable than the anti-vaccine nonsense that’s popped up in recent weeks.
“They’re going to track us with microchips!”
Really? Why? Are you so interesting to Bill Gates or anyone else who cares how many times you go to Walmart in a week?
Conspiracy theorists are debating the significance of the declassification of the footage. Is this a step toward the government admitting the existence of extra-terrestrial life? Or perhaps admitting the Navy needs to do a better job cleaning its camera lenses?
There one definitive thing that will come from this — Bigfoot is going to get even less attention.
Bigfoot sightings have taken a real hit lately as camping has become less about hiking into remote areas and more about playing solitaire on a phone while sitting in a trailer.
It’s been years since someone has tried to pass off a gorilla suit covered in mud as a Bigfoot corpse.
Anyway, now that UFO speculation is up, Bigfoot tracking is continuing to trend downward.
Maybe not as far down as oil prices, but down all the same.
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