I know it’s politically incorrect and that I will be branded as a terrible person for saying this, but there is one area where diversity is going to break down all sense of order in the world.
Yes, I’m going there.
I’m convinced that sock diversity is slowly tearing society apart, as well as the fabric of space-time itself.
In my father’s day, socks were white. As a man it was acceptable to own just one pair of dark colored socks — for church. The rest were white and tubular — not fancy white, with logos, swooshes or names on them. They were just plain, boring socks; the type of thing that would disappoint you on Christmas morning.
When one sock died due to excessive holes, its mate didn’t have to wait to be remarried. It was immediately paired with another sock of the exact same color, cut and elasticity.
As I dug through my sock drawer this morning I found six individual white socks. The first sock had the name brand stitched into the cuff. Another had a different brand’s logo on the toe. One sock had black on the toe and heal. Choice five would barely cover my ankle, while its buddy was longer and thinner than all the rest.
I dug and dug, and couldn’t find two white socks that matched.
It doesn’t help that the rest of my drawer is filled with socks of all different colors and varieties, none of which can be passed off as a pair. Finally I just gave up on the idea of wearing white socks and put on the pair of black ones I was saving for Sunday. Now unless I do something drastic, like a load of laundry, I’ll have no socks for church.
The last time I purchased socks, it was a package of eight pairs of athletic socks. Each pair had its own distinctive pattern and color scheme.
What deranged maniac came up with this idea?
“How can we better serve the athletic sock buying public?” asks Seymour K. Stocking, owner of the sock factory.
“I know, sell them in packs of eight pairs. When the customers open the bag and realize that every pair is different from the other, it will be too late. Ha, ha, ha,” said Jeffrey Dahmer.
“I don’t know why we’re taking advice from a noted serial killer, but I think we should go with it,” Stocking said.
It’s not just the ever-increasing numbers of unique sock designs that’s the problem. I own a pair that is clearly marked “L” and “R.” So even if I have two pairs that are exactly the same, I still have to be able to match up a left and a right sock in the morning. Do sock barrens not understand people who have jobs don’t have time for this? Or maybe they just don’t care.
The end result is one of these days we’re going to have a nuclear war because world leaders couldn’t attend a peace summit due to the unavailability of matching socks. Plus someone’s going to be so annoyed by the sock situation they’re going to push the button against any nation where socks are manufactured. You’ve been warned, Socksilvania!
None of this would really be a problem if not for the fact that socks’ favorite thing to do is go missing one at a time. It’s like a cruel joke they play on us because they’re sick of being stuck on our sweaty feet.
I can’t blame them; they have one of the two worst jobs there is for clothing.
The interchangeability of one’s socks was part of what made the world a rational place. Now that every sock manufactured seems to have only one possible mate on planet Earth, we’re descending into anarchy.
Follow David Anderson on
Twitter at twitter.com/cruizerdave