The Richfield City Council is on the verge of declaring war, but the golf course may be the main casualty.
As any good, civic-minded group of folks is likely to do, the city council tries to fight the vices and corruptive influences that may hurt the way of life enjoyed by Richfield residents. They are dedicated to stopping the evils of cracked roads, empty library shelves and a lack of stray cats. As Walt Disney once noted, a healthy population of stray cats is essential to keeping rodent populations down in theme parks.
Feral cats are also a good supply of lean protein during times of drought, famine and congressional investigations.
Speaking of Russia, the council has some commie trees in its sights.
The Russian olive is a tree that grows like the red weeds described in H.G. Wells’ “War of the Worlds.” The trees reproduce at an alarming rate; yes, even faster than the Kardashian sisters.
They also tend to choke out other forms of vegetation as they branch out, also just like the Kardashians.
Right now the council is trying to figure out how to deal with an invasion of the trees at Cove View Golf Course. The trees, which have been growing on the course since the Cold War, have been declared a noxious weed. The only problem is that if you rip out 80 or so of the course’s largest trees, you’re left with a Cove View that’s full of craters, broken irrigation pipes and mangled turf. It would look just like Delta.
The other problem is that Russian olives are as hard to kill as Russian spies in a James Bond movie. As soon as you drop one down a smokestack, another one jumps you from behind. Kill that one with a piano wire or a laser, and there’s another one trying to beat you at a high stakes poker game.
These trees are pretty much the exact same. They don’t want to die, and when they do, more pop up to take their place.
The city could detonate a few low-yield nuclear weapons at the golf course to get rid of the trees once and for all, but again, we’re left with a hellish moonscape on the back nine.
While the situation seems hopeless, there are some solutions available that could get rid of the trees gradually —
• The city could simply build a wall around the trees. Once this tree wall is built, the illegal trees would have no way to further their invasion of the golf course. I also feel that the trees should pay for this wall.
• You could simply coax the trees off the golf course with something they love. What do trees love? Sunshine. Just start telling the trees about Florida, the sunshine state. Once they find out how terrible Florida is at counting, I’m sure it will spur a mass tree migration. I mean if Florida can’t count a few thousand votes, what chance does it have of noticing 80 or so invasive trees?
• The city could just ignore the tree problem and hope it goes away. That’s what I do with my problems, although, full disclosure here, that hasn’t worked. Yet.
• The council could start hosting its budget meetings on at different holes on the golf course. This would literally bore the trees to death. Then they could just move on to the next hole, host another budget meeting, and more dead trees. You’re welcome.
• Maybe convince the town’s feral cats to all sharpen their claws on the trees. After three or four weeks of 80,000 cats clawing on them, there won’t be much left.
Follow David Anderson on