It’s no wonder this country can’t come together to find solutions to its most pressing problems like immigration, the dwindling middle class and the lack of moon colonies.
We can’t find solutions for complex things because we don’t even know the basics anymore.
I blame sports drinks.
Remember the days when something red was cherry, blue was blueberry and yellow was disgusting lemon? Well, after shopping for sports drinks the other night, I realized we can no longer rely on artificial colors to correctly tell us what our sports drinks will kind of taste like.
I don’t know when I fell into the hole that brought me to this alternate reality, but here I am. And the world has gone crazy.
Yellow can now be pineapple, which is fine, but the really disturbing thing is that cherry is now white. I guess this is because fruit punch is red, and apparently can’t we just have different shades of red. You know, medium red for fruit punch flavor, darker red for cherry and sickening pink for strawberry?
Cherry is now white in the sports drink world.
As a result, when they introduced a coconut-flavored flavor beverage, white was already taken, so now coconut is blue.
Blue coconut isn’t just a sports drink thing either. It’s everywhere — snow cone stands, soda hostelries and even in public school textbooks.
According to science, artificial coloring isn’t good for you. So it makes complete sense to differentiate cherry from coconut visually - they decided to add artificial coloring to one flavor that doesn’t need it.
I mean how many blue coconuts have you seen? I don’t think I’d eat a coconut if I split it open and found it to be blue on the inside, but that’s just me. Maybe I’m weird, because I also don’t drink gasoline, wear corduroy or know the difference between ham and Canadian bacon.
Green used to be lime, but now it can be melon flavor, or apple or cucumber. What is wrong with people that we are now drinking cucumber flavored sports drinks? I’m pretty sure that’s one of the things that caused Rome to fall.
Purple is at least reliable in this alternate reality — purple is grape. It’s always some variation on grape — regular grape, jacked grape or EXTREME GRAPE! It’s never not grape, unless it’s Riptide Rush, or Rain Berry, in which case what the heck is a rain berry?
The name Riptide Rush makes me think of the time I was playing in the ocean with my mouth open and a wave hit me. I drank about a liter of ocean water, and it was not a flavor I particularly enjoyed. Why would they bottle that?
Also why are they marketing flavors like Glacier Freeze? Have they somehow captured the flavor of freezing to death on a glacier, bottled it and now it’s going to help you hydrate?
Another flavor is Cool Blue.
OK Gatorade people, we have to set some ground rules. Cool is not a flavor. Blue is not a flavor. Combining the two doesn’t make them a flavor.
Never have I or anyone else on planet Earth eaten something and said, “Wow, that tastes cool.” You can eat things that are cool, like ice cream, potato salad or leather jackets, but they are not healthy. Also, none of them taste cool.
The same is true for blue. You can see blue, you can feel blue, but you can’t taste it.
Be that as it may, when blue isn’t stepping in for coconut, it’s apparently a flavor on its own.
So as society continues to swirl down the toilet of social media, it’s really not surprising. When we buy that blue is a flavor, it’s really our own fault.
We can’t be expected to understand complex issues like economics, ecology and comic book continuity if we don’t even know that blue isn’t a flavor, cherries are not white and Gatorade all pretty much tastes the same.
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