This is the time of year where we reflect on what we’re thankful for.
This is so we can go out and buy all the stuff we don’t need. They are selling 65-inch televisions for $300. Does anyone need a 65-inch television? Is it really necessary to be able to count each one of Michael Scott’s noise hairs while watching reruns of “The Office?”
In fact humanity survived for 10,000 years thinking that a 32-inch television was fine. In fact, archeological evidence suggest early tribes didn’t even have color.
Now if we don’t have a screen that can be seen from orbit, we feel slighted.
That’s not in the spirit of the season. We should be thankful for the things we have.
Here is a list of things I’m thankful for —
• Factory workers in China — If it weren’t for these people, who would build our iPhones, Bluetooth ear buds and huge TVs? Without their hard work under the oppressive thumb of communist China, the western world wouldn’t be able to spend nearly as much time as we do loafing on the couch.
• Colin Kaepernick’s millions of dollars — I’m just glad even though the NFL has seen him workout and has said, “No thank you,” at least Kap will still have a roof over his head.
• Donald Trump and the state of American politics — I’m so thankful everyday that any political discussions become at best awkward, and at worst, a firestorm. It shows how similar people on both sides of the political spectrum really are. The righteous indignation one says, “I can’t believe you like Trump,” tastes exactly the same as indignation that delivers the phrase, “You don’t support our president, what are you a commie?” It’s nice knowing underneath all our politics people are fundamentally the same — judgmental jerks.
• Mars — It doesn’t affect my life in any meaningful way, and unless NASA has lied, there is very little chance that Mars will ever invade the Earth. However, I’m still thankful to know it’s there. And if there are any Martians planning on invading, please remember I was always on your side.
• The Internet — What would we do if we didn’t have a place that gave voice to anyone with an opinion, no matter how ill-informed and stupid it may be. It’s a good thing we have a resource where people can find information compiled and presented by “some guy” instead of professionals.
• Fast food — Yeah, I know, you think you’re better than me because you don’t eat out as much as I do. I know your organic home cooked meals are full of nutrients, lean protein and guilt absolving, but I don’t care. When you can pull up and say, “give me five burgers and two large fries,” and they give it to you for less the expense of cooking a pot roast at home, that’s a great deal. Also, instead of wasting precious water washing dishes, all you have to do is just add a little bit more trash to the landfill. It’s wonderful.
• Dog shaming photos — The greatest gift given to man is the pictures of his best friend being shamed. If looking at a sad beagle standing in a pile of potting soil on white carpeting doesn’t tickle that part of you that says, “aw, cute,” then there is something wrong with you.
• My family — The fact that they haven’t thrown me out yet is a testament to their perseverance, kindness and patience. No matter how many times my wife has had to say, “Wait, Dave wrote what?” she’s never assaulted me with a stun gun — even though I often richly deserve it. Without them, I don’t know what I’d do. Perhaps go to work in a Chinese factory.
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