It came and went so fast, I didn’t even realize it was here. Then it was gone — the one good hair day.
You see, human hair grows approximately one half millimeter per day, which means your hair is never the same length.
My current haircutting schedule usually runs about once a month.
Once a month or so, I go out to the garage with my clippers and attack my head. Sometimes I pay someone else for this service, but usually it’s an act born in anger and frustration.
I look at my stupid hair, which insists on making me look like Eric Forman from “That 70s Show,” and I get mad at it.
“You’re gonna die, stupid puffy hair,” I certainly never say out loud because that would be weird. The sentiment is there though.
Carefully, I run over each inch of my skull with the clippers. It’s not unlike mowing the lawn, which also seems to be on about a monthly schedule at my house.
Haircuts for men come in numbers —
• 0 — A zero means no hair is left … aka, the Vin Diesel or Captain Picard.
• 1 — A thin layer of peach fuzz left on top, like the creepy guy down the street who you’re pretty sure has murdered someone … aka, the Jason Statham.
• 2 — This makes you feel like Forest Gump during his Army days. Wear sunscreen on your head.
• 3 — This isn’t a bad number, but you do wind up looking like Duke from G.I. Joe.
• 4 — Also, not a bad number, but you’re going to have to cut your hair again in three weeks.
• 5 — This is the neutral haircut, meaning after you buzz your hair with a number 5, you won’t be able to tell that you’ve done anything.
• 6 — Now you’re just wasting time.
• 7 — I used this one on my boys when they wanted it long on top. They were into skateboards at the time.
• 8 — I think this one somehow actually makes your hair grow, because it sure doesn’t cut it.
I usually hit my head with a 3 or a 4. I’m trying to hit that sweet spot between Duke and Chris Evans. I always wind up going too short.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. If you don’t cut enough, you’ll never have the perfect hair length. However, if you go too short, that means in a week or two your hair, growing half a millimeter a day, will reach the perfect length — the good hair day.
The good hair day is glorious. You don’t even have to comb your hair on the good hair day; it just looks good right out of the shower. Women give you approving looks. Men want to be you. People open doors for you, give you extra fries at the drive through and offer you discounts at the grocery store. The good hair day is the day anything can and will happen.
“Whew, a man with hair like that has to have his life together, we’d better give him a raise and promotion!”
It’s a day so full of self-confidence; it’s almost like having super powers.
Unfortunately, it only lasts about 12 hours before the kryptonite of hair growth strikes.
By the next day, you’re back to just being regular old stupid you. Women no longer look your direction. Men no longer envy you. The day after the perfect hair day is a day of letdowns, full of speeding tickets, written reprimands at work and news that a rich uncle died, but not before cutting you out of the will.
After a day of superior hair, you’re back to just being you, and in my case that means I’m about two weeks out from being Eric Forman.
And the cycle starts over.
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