To say politics in America is in a strange place is an understatement.
Depending on the cable news channel you watch, if you vote for one candidate, the zombie apocalypse will happen and destroy everything. Turn the channel, and they tell you that if you vote for the other guy, a meteor will strike and blow up the Earth.
So, Bloomberg is out.
It’s a shame really. Not that I think he would do a good job as president of these United States.
No, it’s just my inner nihilist would have enjoyed a Donald J. Trump vs. Michael Bloomberg election.
Think of how glorious it would have been — two billionaires throwing stacks of cash at each other in a slap fight to convince the American public that only they understand the plight of the common person in this country.
“It’s time to stop and frisk the Trump administration,” Bloomberg might say.
“You’re fired, from public life,” Trump could retort.
In one corner, a guy who outlawed large sized sodas in New York City. In the other, sits a guy who made appearances on professional wrestling.
Fortunately, the average voter probably doesn’t know which is which at this point, so it really doesn’t matter.
Clearly, these are the people we want running our country.
However, in keeping with the spirit of professional wrestling, wouldn’t it be great if instead of buying campaign ads, they both invested hundreds of millions of dollars in Iron Man-style robot suits and just flew across the country pummeling each other? Then as November approaches, they decide to pool their resources and just buy the Electoral College outright and hammer out an agreement that says they have co-dictatorship of America.
You can have straws on the days when Trump is in charge — Monday through Thursday, as well as all federal holidays. However, if you want to have free health care, go to the doctor on the Bloomberg days.
All policy disagreements would be solved by … you guessed it … televised robot suit fights in the White House Rose Garden.
Yes, it would be “destructive” and “ruin the fabric of our society,” but man it would be entertaining to watch, and frankly a lot more honest form of politics than what we’re currently getting.
Instead it looks like we’re going to have to face a reality where Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden will run against Trump.
Sanders is running on the “I promise to give away everything for free, except your tax bill” platform. According to several conservative news pundits, Sanders can’t be seen in mirrors and creeps into people’s homes at night snatching babies to feed to socialism or something.
Biden is running on the “I was Obama’s vice president, remember me” platform. While he claims to care about the environment, his beautiful dentures are made from elephant ivory.
Trump is running on the platform of “yeah, I said that on Twitter, who cares?” Even though they’ll both deny it, there is photographic evidence of him and Mitt Romney being nice to each other.
I imagine the conversation went something like this —
“I don’t like you very much,” Romney said.
“I don’t like you either,” Trump tweeted in reply.
“Eh, but we’re both super rich.”
“You’re right, let’s play golf.”
When all the choices are, well, what they are, it seems weird that no one seems to value impartiality anymore.
One of the greatest minds of her generation or any other — Dolly Parton — said the following about her politics — “I learned a long time ago to keep your damn mouth shut if you want to stay in show business.”
That’s probably the soundest political advice out there.
I’m voting for the meteor.
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