I am an adult male.
Therefore, I am not qualified to dress myself. Don’t believe me? Just ask any woman who has a man in her life.
Take for instance the church outfit debacle of 2019. It occurred just a few weeks ago.
I was rummaging through my closet and saw some pants and a shirt that I hadn’t worn in sometime.
“Hey, that would be different from the usual,” I said to myself.
So I pulled on the brown pants and the shirt, the color of cream of chicken soup, and my brown church shoes.
This is why I have no qualifications to dress myself. You see, there is nothing wrong with brown shoes, unless you’ve owned them since the first Bush administration, which I have.
The shirt, possibly also from the era of the elder George Bush, is a bit silky and loose fitting. I thought it would be nice on a hot Sunday.
I was impressed with myself since the colors matched. However, my wife and daughter were not impressed.
“You look like Dwight from ‘The Office,’” my daughter said, and then hastily added, “Not in the bad way.”
Um, there isn’t a good way to look like Dwight. There is only the bad way.
To be fair, the shirt was not completely unlike the pirate shirt from that episode of “Seinfeld.” It didn’t have ruffles, but was clearly too “blouse-y” to be considered completely a man’s shirt.
I thought the ensemble, completed with a slightly wider than average tie, was fine. Apparently it made me look like I had stolen my outfit from a homeless clown.
“So you’re going to wear that,” my wife said. “Do you want the bishop to bring us a welfare basket?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
Of course I decided to pick my church outfit out of the garbage barrel that is the back of my closet on the very week that a whole bunch of new people were added to our congregation. Now all the new people at church have the impression that I’m a closet hobo.
In defense of my slightly vagrant look, it’s not my fault. As I said, I am an adult male, and therefore I am not equipped to choose my own clothes. Men have different ideas about clothes.
When you’re a kid, it’s easy to stay fashionable. You just wear the five outfits your mom buys you at the beginning of the school year. Easy.
As an adult, well, it’s hard to throw stuff away. Yeah, I’ve had those pants for two decades, but they still fit … mostly.
I have drawers full of T-shirts I can’t wear in public due to bleach stains, frayed collars or holes. My plan is to use each of them one final time when I paint the house. Although in order to get that final use out of each shirt, I’d have to paint the house 37 times.
So far I’ve painted the house approximately no times, so these T-shirts are probably safe from ever getting their final day of wear.
The same is true with church shoes. When you only wear them a few hours a week, and those hours are spent sitting — not running, jumping or stirring asphalt — the shoes last forever. Although, and I’m just throwing this out there — church would be a lot more exciting if there were running, jumping or asphalt stirring. Also, maybe more people would wear their out of date finery to church if it were a more athletic endeavor.
I guess I should get rid of these hopelessly out of date shoes, but the tread on them is like new. You don’t throw tires away if they’re still good, right?
At least that’s how the adult male part of my brain justifies keeping them.
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